"What's with all the hurricanes?" you're probably asking, "And why isn't the U.S. government stopping them?" Well, hurricanes are a global problem, and thus the U.N. should take care of them. We could do it for them, but then the U.N. will never learn responsibility.
As for what causes hurricanes, some say global warming. The only way to prove this, though, is to heat some sort of globe in a lab and see what happens. This would require a globe heating device - something you'll only find in bad science fiction. Thus, we just have to accept that hurricanes happen and we don't know why (though it probably has to do with there being so many gays in Miami).
Since we can't stop hurricanes, all we can do is prepare for them. I had previously written a Know Thy Enemy: Hurricanes, but now I want to focus exclusively on what you can do to prepare for and survive a hurricane. Thus, I wrote a neato guide.
FRANK HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS TIPS
* HURRICANE OR NOT: The first step to hurricane preparedness is to know whether you are actually dealing with a hurricane and not just a rainy day. You could rely on the MSM, but they are notoriously liberal biased. Instead, check for yourself by standing outside. Remember, a hurricane has lots of rain and high speed winds. If there is only lots of rain, simply put on a raincoat (should be banana yellow for highest efficacy). If there is only lots of high speed wind, then it's a tornado and you're done for because this guide doesn't cover that. When you have lots of rain and the high speed winds, congratulations, you are in a hurricane.
* FLEEING: Also known as the Persian Maneuver, you can flee particularly strong hurricanes. This will only encourage hurricanes, though, so it's best to stand and fight.
* WINDOWS: Strong windows are essential for your house to withstand a hurricane. On most houses, windows are much more likely to break than the walls (unless you live a glass house; if so, eschew stone throwing). The best way to test your windows is the Sledgehammer Window Test where you hit your windows with a sledgehammer... as a test. If the windows break, replace with stronger windows. If no break, hooray! For this test, it may be a good idea to wear safety goggles... or have your kids do it.
There is a rumor about opening windows to equalize air pressure in your house in the case of strong winds. This is bunkum. Keep your windows shut, especially if you're my neighbors and like to play loud music.
* FLOODING: With hurricanes, there is the risk of flood. Most regular insurance policies do not cover flooding. If you have flood insurance, then you're an idiot because all you need to stop flooding is sandbags. Water is unable to penetrate sand; that's why we put sand on all our coastlines to keep the oceans at bay. The reason we have sandbags is because sand is tough to carry if not in a bag. If you properly stack sandbags around your house, then you have no flood worries (you may want to put razor wire at the top of your sandbag stacks to show the flood waters you are serious).
When figuring out how high to stack your sandbags, it's best to take in account where your house is in regards to sea level. If your house is on top of a mountain in Colorado, then you don't need to stack very many sandbags if you hear a hurricane is approaching North America.
* FOOD AND WATER: When preparing to bunker down for a hurricane, make sure you have plenty of food and potable water. How is potable water different from drinking water? I'm not sure, but, in hurricane situations, everyone uses the word "potable" so you better make sure the water you buy is labeled such.
When taking inventory of your supplies, make sure to ask your self important questions:
"If I have a sudden craving for quesadillas, am I prepared?"
"While I might have enough water for drinking and cleaning my socks, if a water balloon fight breaks out, do I have enough water (and balloons) to return fire?"
"If the water balloon fight turns into a war and then a quagmire, how long can I keep armed with water balloons until my water supply is exhausted?"
"If the only food left is Spam, am I prepared to eat it, or is that the time to resort to cannibalism?"
* FIREARMS: As always, make sure to have guns. After a hurricane, there may be looters who try to take your stuff. They will stop if you shoot them. If you see someone with stuff you think may not be his, he's a looter. Shoot him before he tries to loot you.
The problem with hurricanes is that you will be operating in wet conditions. Will your shotgun work when wet? It's best now to test this by doing target practice while standing in a running shower. You could also look up the make and model of your gun on the internet, but information on the 'net is highly unreliable and should not be trusted in a life or death situation.
* PETS: If you have small pets, they could be blown away in the hurricane. It's best to tact them down so you don't lose them or if you just find it annoying when they run around. I have this heavy wrought iron thing (I'm not sure what it is) that I like to put on top of my cat Sydney to pin her down so she'll stop running around and jumping on the furniture.
QUICK PET TIP: Instead of feeding your dog and then eating him as a last resort, it's best to eat him right away and then eat the dog food yourself. You'll have more food that way. Remember: You're dog would eat you if it came to it, and, if he's a pit bull, he probably already has plans.
* MISCELLANEOUS: Make sure to have matches. They make fire, and you might want that. You may want some flashlights, but, if you're staying in your own house, there is nothing new or interesting to see. Also, have some rope. Rope is always useful. Oh, and a graphing calculator. If I'm not completely sure what I'm up against, I like to have a graphing calculator. |
