Friday, March 31, 2006

The "tough, yet smart" Democratic strategy... pictures of Osama with a soul patch

Iowahawk... brilliant as always.

HARRY: Like millions of patriotic Americans, Nancy and I, along with our Democratic colleagues in Congress, are concerned about our rapidly deteriorating national security situation. Nearly five years after the tragic events of 9/11, not only is our country wracked by record economic misery, low teacher salaries, expensive senior prescriptions, and widespread leprosy, it also remains at risk for illegal attacks from the terrorist Osama bin Laden. Meanwhile, the Bush administration has us mired in a disastrous unrelated civil war in Iraq, consuming billions of your taxpayer dollars that could be spent on preserving Social Security and community health care block grants for America's starving teachers.

NANCY: We can better do!

HARRY: You bet we can, Nancy. That's why we've purchase space on America's abandoned and neglected websites to present the Democratic vision for a smart, yet tough new national security concept that makes a clean break with the discredited and dangerous policies of this administration. As you can see by the American flags behind us, this is a smart and tough new approach, embodied in a comprehensive plan that was developed by some of America's foremost military minds: Madeleine Albright, Sandy Berger, Markos Zuniga, and former General Wesley Clarke -- the celebrated "Falcon of the Balkans." We call our plan "Operation Steel Gazelle" -- strong and tough like steel, but smart and agile like the gazelle, as it nimbly eludes its hungry predators.

NANCY: Tell, us more Harry.

HARRY: Well Nancy, the first phase of our multi-faceted plan focuses on the number one key to restoring national security: getting Osama bin Laden. Even as we speak, this dangerous fugitive is still on the loose. As the leader of a Democratic majority in Congress, I will make sure that the head Army and Navy generals get a clear and unambiguous message: "Get Osama" is "Job One."

NANCY: But it is important to do smart too!

HARRY: That's right, Nancy. That's why our tough, no-nonsense emails to the generals will include pictures of Osama bin Laden, so they will know who to get.

NANCY: But whats about disguises?

HARRY: Way ahead of you Nancy! Using state-of-the-art PhotoShop smart computers, we will create simulated pictures of Osama bin Laden wearing a mustache, soul patch, trucker hat, and so on, and these will also be included in our emails. Then, the generals will distribute the pictures to the soldiers, and they can then make a surprise attack at Pakistan and get Osama bin Laden, no matter his latest look. Imagine the looks on the terrorists' faces!

What about a mullet (the white trash Osama)? Ooh, and dreads (Rasta-Osama... cause you know he likes the ganga)... And you better do a pimply and slightly chubby one, in case he's been hitting the girl scout cookies a little hard (can you blame him? Those things are like crack)...

This is like a new kids' find Osama book, Where's Osama? A forsee a computer game too... Where in the World is Osama bin Laden.... might as well get the elementary school kids involved... at least the one's that haven't ditched class to protest securing the borders...