Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Jack Bauer is taking over the world!

It all part of 24's ploy to take over the universe. In last week's House, the possibility that Jack Bauer's very presence may be able to cure disease was brought up.

Dr. Cutty: Joe's death elevated this situation to a bio-safety Level 3.

Dr. House: Ooh, Level 3. Should we call Jack Bauer?

And there you have it! I'm not sure if House knows that Jack Bauer's blood is the universal doner, or his toenail clippings if boiled and administered intravenously will cure leukemia, or if using Jack Bauer's urine can cure herpes. Whatever it is, the writers certainly seem to have been taking the Jack Bauer Moment of ZenTM to heart as they wrote last week's episode... And as the takeover of the TV universe continues, Jack will soon be rescuing the innocent on Prison Break, finally put Stewie in his place on Family Guy, win American Idol after kicking Chris' ass, save all the castaways on Lost, and make the Desperate Housewives desperate no more. (There is nothing Jack can do for NBC... they're screwed.) Jack Bauer is the new A-Team.

"If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire... Jack Bauer."

As far as last night's episode, President Weasel and the one-armed wonder doc Romano's plan to shoot down the plane didn't work as Jack and Robocop's personal co-pilot were able to make an emergency landing on the 118 freeway. And of course Jack slips through the fingers of a battalion of marines thanks to the timely arrival of Cola! Bicardi and Cola, reunited!

Anyway, things are going swimmingly. Frau Blucher has released Chiggy Killer and is bringing Chloe in to help out too. But Kiss-Ass Miles is getting pissed that he's not in the loop. Frau Blucher takes him aside, gives him the low down to try to keep things copacetic. Big mistake.

Now that everything has gone to hell for President Weasel, one-armed wonder doc Romano, and the rest of the Halliburton crew, Romano makes the not so subtle suggestion that it would be best if the Weasel was dead. One, to avoid a trial that would tear apart the country. But more importantly, two, to keep the Halliburton crew from being posecuted so they can continue to plot the destruction of democracy. And just as the Weasel in Chief is about to blow his head off, Kiss-Ass Miles calls and agrees that the tape shouldn't go public. So now being on the Weasel's side, Miles goes and chats up Chloe, and has some sort of electric pulse or magnetic device that erases the tape.

With all this going on Jack gets a small pee break, and gives Audrey some of the love and affection that she so craves. No one to kill, no planes to hijack, no one trying to frame him. It's like a catnap... a 10 minute break for Jack Bauer is like 10 hours of REM sleep for the rest of us. He'll be back in top form for next week.

And without further delay, here's this week's Jack Bauer Moment of ZenTM:

Chuck Norris Jack Bauer recently parted the Red Sea, so he could win a bet with God. Chuck Jack is now immortal and is currently debating with God that he could beat him in an arm wrestling match.

Chuck Norris' Jack Bauer's sweat repels mosquitoes and other irritating insects, such as William Shatner.

When Chuck Norris Jack Bauer has a bad day, people die. When Chuck Norris Jack Bauer has a good day... twice as many people die and a few things explode.

UPDATE @ 3:42pm: Added the B4B Kill Counter above. We actually had a -1 result from last night as we found out SecDef Heller's not dead...