Thursday, October 12, 2006

Call the UN! ...or Instapundit at least! Iowahawk's gone nuclear!

It has been confirmed... Iowahawk has succesfully tested nuclear-tipped cherry bombs and fully-fissionable bottle rockets! We must stop him before he takes out another Cedar County Highway Maintenance truck!

It can also be confirmed that there was no such danger as radioactive emission or finger-loss in the course of the testing as it was carried out under scrutinous scientific consideration and careful calculation, and with one of those long-tipped Bic fireplace lighters. Also to insure safety, it was more than one hour after the Central Defense Committee's last round of scientific bong hits.

Scientific analysis reveals that the historic launch was conducted with pinpoint accuracy and flawless execution, resulting a glorious fireball as it streaked across the access road into county maintenance truck. Mark this official forwarning, Cedar County Highway Maintenance: half-life isotope calculations by Chuck indicate the truck will be unsafe for usage until next Wednesday, and Iowahawk cannot be liable for mutations of your foolish crews!

This marks a historic event as it greatly encouraged and pleased Iowahawk and the many patriotic peoples of Lakewood Mobile Home Park that have wished him to have powerful self-reliant defense capability and a prosperous refridgerator stocked in Olde English 800s. It is unsurpassed in glory and the its praises will be sung by the children for a thousand years! Well, obviously not the same children, for the entire thousand years, because those first children would eventually grow up and be dead after 100 years, 110 years tops. I'm assuming there would be probably be some sort of gradual rotation system to add fresh singing children.

We cannot bow to his demands. We must prevent him from restocking his nuclear glowstick payload as well as his rockets of peaceful stability, no matter how many cases of Olde English 800 he holds hostage...