Thursday, November 30, 2006

Love letters from Wackypants Ahmadinejad

Mahmoud "the madman" Ahmadinejad is at it again. And this time he penned a crap-filled letter to the American people.

How sweet...

Noble Americans,

Wow. He sure knows how to butter up us freedom loving, capitalistic types...

Were we not faced with the activities of the US administration in this part of the world and the negative ramifications of those activities on the daily lives of our peoples, coupled with the many wars and calamities caused by the US administration as well as the tragic consequences of US interference in other countries;

Right, it's all Bush's fault. If it weren't for that meddling Texan, the Taliban would still be running Afghanistan instead of running for their lives, Saddam would still be in power instead of on trial for genocide, and Iran would be so much closer to nuclear weapons. Women would be busy being seen and not heard, wearing their burkas, and not *gasp* educating themselves, voting, holding hands with their boyfriends, or running for office. We'd still be stoning homosexuals in the streets and respecting the right of a father to kill his daughter should the mood strike. It must suck having the US make life better for so many people...

Were the American people not God-fearing, truth-loving, and justice-seeking, while the US administration actively conceals the truth and impedes any objective portrayal of current realities;

God-fearing? Don't you mean infidel or Great Satan? I'm confused...

And since you're in such an open and honest, "truth-loving and Justice-seeking" frame of mind, let's talk about those nuclear weapons you think are your God given right...

And if we did not share a common responsibility to promote and protect freedom and human dignity and integrity;

And by freedom you mean killing courageous college students who've stood up against your regime? I don't recall that happening in the US... you must be confusing us some other ass-backwards tinpot dictator like Hugo Chavez or Fidel Castro...

Then, there would have been little urgency to have a dialogue with you.

While Divine providence has placed Iran and the United States geographically far apart,

Thank God for small favors...

we should be cognizant that human values and our common human spirit, which proclaim the dignity and exalted worth of all human beings, have brought our two great nations of Iran and the United States closer together.

That "common human spirit" line may get you all the babes in Iran, it may even get you a date with Kofi Annan, but your humanity is in question until you can accept reality. You know... equality for women, freedom of religion, that the holocaust really happened and isn't just some Zionist conspiracy...

Both our nations are God-fearing, truth-loving and justice-seeking, and both seek dignity, respect and perfection.

Wait... didn't you say that already? Don't you have any other pick up lines?

Both greatly value and readily embrace the promotion of human ideals such as compassion, empathy, respect for the rights of human beings, securing justice and equity, and defending the innocent and the weak against oppressors and bullies.

Well we value human ideals at least...

We are all inclined towards the good, and towards extending a helping hand to one another, particularly to those in need.

We all deplore injustice, the trampling of peoples' rights and the intimidation and humiliation of human beings.

We all detest darkness, deceit, lies and distortion, and seek and admire salvation, enlightenment, sincerity and honesty.

The pure human essence of the two great nations of Iran and the United States testify to the veracity of these statements.

You don't get to talk about my essence until you can stop lying about your nuclear ambitions, acknowledge that Israel has a right to exist, and confirm the simple fact that the Holocaust happened. Millions of Jews died in it. Until then keep your mitts off my essence. Perv.

Noble Americans,

Funny... I don't feel noble... I feel like I work for a living...

Our nation has always extended its hand of friendship to all other nations of the world.

And by friendship you must mean holding our diplomats hostage in our embassy, your subversive role in the Lebanese assassinations along with Syria, and your desire to wipe Israel off the map. I don't know how those were misinterpretted...

Hundreds of thousands of my Iranian compatriots are living amongst you in friendship and peace, and are contributing positively to your society. Our people have been in contact with you over the past many years and have maintained these contacts despite the unnecessary restrictions of US authorities.

And the funny thing about most of the people of Iranian descent here in the US is that they hate you and the mullahs. That's why they live here and not there...

As mentioned, we have common concerns, face similar challenges, and are pained by the sufferings and afflictions in the world.

There'd be a lot less suffering and affliction if you'd just dissapear. Too bad the CIA's been all sissified and won't take you out...

We, like you, are aggrieved by the ever-worsening pain and misery of the Palestinian people. Persistent aggressions by the Zionists are making life more and more difficult for the rightful owners of the land of Palestine. In broad day-light, in front of cameras and before the eyes of the world, they are bombarding innocent defenseless civilians, bulldozing houses, firing machine guns at students in the streets and alleys, and subjecting their families to endless grief.

It's the eeeeeviiil Jooooooos fault! Bombing civilians, buldozing houses, killing Palestinian students, yada yada yada... You forgot that the eeeeviil Jooos need the blood of the Palestinian babies to bake their matza. You ought to have your speech writer shot.

No day goes by without a new crime.

Palestinian mothers, just like Iranian and American mothers, love their children, and are painfully bereaved by the imprisonment, wounding and murder of their children. What mother wouldn't?

Matza bread! What about the matza?!

Famous quote: There will not be peace in the until Palestian parents love their children more than they hate Jews. How else do you explain 14 year old Hamas wannabes blowing themselves up in pizza parlors...

For 60 years, the Zionist regime has driven millions of the inhabitants of Palestine out of their homes. Many of these refugees have died in the Diaspora and in refugee camps. Their children have spent their youth in these camps and are aging while still in the hope of returning to homeland.

Yet the Palestinian government can't function to meet the basic needs of it's people without the Israeli government. How weird is that?

You know well that the US administration has persistently provided blind and blanket support to the Zionist regime, has emboldened it to continue its crimes, and has prevented the UN Security Council from condemning it.

Those evil Zionists at it again... Next you'll tell me they were behind 9/11...

Who can deny such broken promises and grave injustices towards humanity by the US administration?

Governments are there to serve their own people. No people wants to side with or support any oppressors. But regrettably, the US administration disregards even its own public opinion and remains in the forefront of supporting the trampling of the rights of the Palestinian people.

How are they trampling the rights of the Palestinians? They had free elections. They elected Hamas terrorists into power. That's their right. And it's our right to decide to not deal with those terrorists now matter how fair the election. Next time maybe they'll think electing terrorists to office isn't a good idea when the rest of the world doesn't want to deal with terrorists.

Let's take a look at Iraq.

Oh goody... I can't wait...

Since the commencement of the US military presence in Iraq, hundreds of thousands of Iraqis have been killed, maimed or displaced.

Unfortunately lots have. And 99% of of those were killed by terrorists, insurgents, and other peace-loving Muslims... If only the US would get out so the religion of peace fanatics can really start killing.

Terrorism in Iraq has grown exponentially.

...because they're too cowardly to actually come out and fight and have to resort to kidnapping, suicide bombs, car bombs, and booby trapping dead bodies...

With the presence of the US military in Iraq, nothing has been done to rebuild the ruins, to restore the infrastructure or to alleviate poverty.

Bullshit. We're building hospitals and schools. Rebuilding roads and refineries. If you're so concerned get off your ass, go to your neighbor nation, and help.

The US Government used the pretext of the existence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but later it became clear that that was just a lie and a deception.

Weapons have been found, just not the quantity that was expected based on the huge friggin' stink Saddam put up about allowing inspections. Inspections were all we wanted to begin with. Invasion was the next option. He thought we were bluffing.

Although Saddam was overthrown and people are happy about his departure, the pain and suffering of the Iraqi people has persisted and has even been aggravated.

I'm sure they'll feel lots better after he's hung.

In Iraq, about one hundred and fifty thousand American soldiers, separated from their families and loved ones, are operating under the command of the current US administration. A substantial number of them have been killed or wounded and their presence in Iraq has tarnished the image of the American people and government.

While every US death is a tragedy, our casualty rate is far below just about any other war in our history.

Their mothers and relatives have, on numerous occasions, displayed their discontent with the presence of their sons and daughters in a land thousands of miles away from US shores. American soldiers often wonder why they have been sent to Iraq.

Should you, by some weird twist of fate, actually come face to face with a military mom and compare her to Cindy Sheehan, expect an ass-whoppin'. Cindy Sheehan does not speak for anyone other than herself.

I consider it extremely unlikely that you, the American people, consent to the billions of dollars of annual expenditure from your treasury for this military misadventure.

Don't worry. It's worth it. Freedom's not free and it's certainly not cheap...

That's about all I can stand... If you really want to punish yourself and read the other half (yes that's only half of his letter), here's the link to page 2...

UPDATE 12/1/06 @ 4:17pm: Cox & Forkum mocks wackypants too...

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