Wednesday, February 07, 2007

It's only the world's most intricate and flawlessly executed conspiracy ever, ever

OK so Romano the one-armed wonder doc and his dad, Captain Dudley conceived the most intricate and flawlessly executed plan ever. Ever. First Jack has to learn his family's involved. Easy, CTU working at their best, even if Edgar is still dead.

Second, Jack has to go question his brother about the family company's involvement. OK, fair enough... Throw in a little love triangle with Romano's wife and sibling rivaly (which leads to torture) and it makes for nice backstory.

Third, Jack has to take Romano to the office looking for the British 007 and his Astin Martin, so that Captain Dudley can have his henchmen sneak up on Jack and capture him. This of course is the signal for wonder doc to take back control of what are really his henchmen and take both his Dad and Jack into custody.

Four, Romano gives the "you know what to you know who" order and heads back to the Romano compound. This of course means Jack will escape...

Five: But who knew the escape was staged and in the process Captain Dudley kills the last henchman before Jack can question him. Suspicious? Hell yeah, but for the conspiracy's sake we'll say the old man's Parkinson's acted up and Blam! Another notch for the season's body count.

Six: So now Jack and his Dad are a team (Bicardi and... seltzer? Soda? old wrinkly cranberries?) and track down the one-armed wonder doc at the most obvious place he could go... home. Casa de Romano.

Seven: Not making the same mistake twice, Jack goes in with 20 agents to capture one little wonder doc. What's this mean? Torture time!

Eight: Romano gives in and let's himself be tortured. Again. Jack starts him on some bad ass neurotoxin. Jack of course ups the dose to the magical 8cc mark, a point so toxic, the torture assistant refused to give it for fear of killing the good doctor. Jack politely asks him to proceed, and then threatens him at gunpoint. And to throw Jack off he gives up the ghost from last season's plot, that he was behind Palmer's assassination and all of President Weasel's shenanigans. Jack goes for the death blow, but stops because he doesn't want to kill his brother in front of his dad. That's always something you do when the parents aren't looking.

Nine: Captain Dudley does a little improvising and after discussing how well their sooper sekret plan has gone, and how much pain Romano can take, he kills his own flesh and blood. Then threratens to sue CTU. Nice touch.

Seriously, the weirdest, most complicated plan ever, ever.

I guess it'd have to be to fool the one and only Jack Bauer.

And now, without any further ado, your Jack Bauer Moment of ZenTM:

It's no coincidence that the tattoo on Mike Tyson's face and the sole of Chuck Norris' Jack Bauer's boot share the same pattern.

Michael Jackson's face is a result of a Chuck Norris Jack Bauer ass kicking.

Chuck Norris' Jack Bauer has won placing bets on the Super Bowl every year for the last 40 years. Not because he successfully picked the winning team each year, but because the bookies are too scared to tell him he was wrong.

UPDATE @ 12:24pm 2/8/07: Thanks to New World Order for hosting this week's Carnival of Bauer! Check out the other submissions...

Labels: ,