Friday, January 14, 2005

He's baaa-aaack

From Iowahawk, the writer of Johnny Nuance, comes the latest retro TV show, Inspector Dan Rather (insert Inspector Gadget theme music here: do duh do duh do Inspector Dan Rather do duh do duh do do doooo):

It was a quiet cold Monday at Black Rock. Too quiet, I thought, slowly polishing the lens on my trusty Sony VC6809. New York is not the kind of town that likes to keep secrets, and my tingling senses told me that somewhere in Gotham somebody was spilling some beans. And in my line of work, you get to know deep down in your gut those beans have a habit of being silent - but deadly.

My name is Rather. And I'm a dick.

There are thills...

I had just finished the final teleprompter read-through on the Alberto Gonzales caper (Dan Rather #31: The Sadist Wore a Sombrero) when a familiar figure sauntered into the studio.

"Look what the cat drug in," I smiled. "What brings you down to the salt mines, Captain Moonves?"

Moonves and I were once tighter than two cousins in a Kentucky hayloft. I helped show him the ropes at Black Rock back when he was a green rookie straight out of the programming academy, but lately I sensed tension between us after the release of the Nielsen Report (Dan Rather #29: The Case of the Missing Viewers).

"Can the wisecracks, newsreader," he sneered. "You've got a little date with Commissioner Thornburgh downtown."

...there are chills...

"Rather," he bellowed, "The Guard letters were on Starbucks stationery, and originally discovered in the trunk of Mary's '99 Hundai. Military officers do not address each other as 'Dude' and 'Bro.' Mary FedExed them to Terry McAuliffe six times for spell checking."

"No speaky Esperanto, Commissioner! What's your angle?"

"You ran the story seven days before contacting document experts, and when you did, they were recruited from a methadone clinic. You spent $47,000 of network money on a schizophrenic man who said he could build a steam-powered word processor and a time machine."

I planted my hands on the desk, and leaned over into Thornburgh's face.

"I see where this is all going, Commissioner. You're in on it too! You're just going to sit there and take it when there is a criminal in high office who stole over 20 XBox systems from Texas National Guard!"

"That's enough, Rather," he growled. "Turn in your microphone. You're suspended."

"Too late Thornburgh. I'm suspending myself, at full pay."

...and there are shameless blogger plugs as well. Tune into to Inspector Dan Rather at Iowahawk to catch the exciting ending!