Thursday, May 18, 2006

Hosting The Carnival of BauerTM is like being touched by the hand of God

Or close to it, since Jack Bauer being wrong (twice!) in the last episode is one of the signs of the impending end of days! And I wasn't the only one who caught it either. WWDPD is the latest, hip accessory sweeping the nation!

Many of you were extremely upset by the President's immigration speech from the oval office. Not that you disagreed with his position on the issues, but that it might somehow pre-empt some of 24. Perhaps if the president had the oh-so popular Jack Bauer man-purseTM nearby(even if you question it's masculinity, which is tantamount to blasphemy, quite frankly), you might have felt differently. Perhaps it fooled your brain into thinking you were getting your 24 fix, while waiting for the real thing. You know... like switching from heroin to cigarettes to cut the cravings. It made you yearn and twitch and sweat for your shot at Big Boobs Logan in the stables on the Funny Farm right before she pops a cap in a brainless secret service agent bad guy who's about to kill her hunny-bunny, Whiskey Pierce. I can't think of a bigger turn on than that.

And just when you think you're about to watch a kick-ass episode of 24, an episode of Lost breaks out and we're all under the control of "the others." And there's a Jack in that show too... hmmm... Another sign of the apocalypse! But hey it could be worse. It could've been taken over by more Robocop rejects (aren't five actors from the movie enough?). Or you could be particularly intrigued by the LED clock and how the 24 writers have given it a Rathergate type alteration. Maybe it's me, but I'm perfectly happy watching blinking lights with sound effects and not thinking twice about them.

So the episode begins and I might as well have seen a burning bush! Chloe screwed up on something technical! Sure she was sabotaged, but that's not the point! She could turn on my dishwasher from her CTU desk if she wanted to. She's that good. The end of the world must be at hand!

On the other hand maybe Jack just doesn't like Christmas...

We can't stop it. The end is coming. I mean... Bierko's got a Russian submarine. You know he's gonna pull a Red October and try to kill Jack Ryan. WTF?!? Another Jack! That must really be the name of the gods. I may have to reconsider naming my son Jack, even daughter. Sorry Chad. And in order to appease God and Jack I dedicate one final Chuck Norris Jack Bauer Moment of ZenTM...

Chuck Norris Jack Bauer was advised by a guru that he would attain eternal happiness if he went 7 years without breaking necks. Chuck Norris Jack Bauer snapped the guru's neck like a twig.

Chuck Norris Jack Bauer was the fifth Teletubby. His name was "Kil Kil".

Chuck Norris Jack Bauer versus God, who would win? Trick question! Chuck Norris Jack Bauer is God.
An appropriate end...

Thanks to B4B for allowing me the honor of hosting The Carnival of Bauer. It may not be better than the Llama's edition last week, but at least it's on time.