January
1 - Thanks to morbid hangover, Iowahawk mercifully sleeps through Iowa's 31-17 shellacking by LSU in Capital One Bowl
4 - Southern Cal nips Oklahoma in college championship game; victory fails to soothe USC's psychic wounds from Sooner fans' hurtful taunts about "Trojan" nickname
19 - Presidential inauguration ceremony interrupted by masked ninja legal paratroopers from MoveOn.org; ailing William Requist pummels helpless assailants with famed gavel 'El Diablo'
30 - Iraqi elections marred by lack of good network video graphics
February
6 - Pittsburgh edges Green Bay in Super Bowl XXXIX; Steelers' big win overshadowed by controversial John Madden 'wardrobe malfunction'
14 - Annual Valentine Day arrest of rabbit-weilding Maureen Dowd outside Michael Douglas mansion
27 - 'Passion of the Christ' wins special film industry Oscar for "inspiring Hollywood messiah complex"
March
2 - Clarence Thomas nominated as Chief Justice of Supreme Court; axe handle- wielding Patrick Leahy blocks courthouse door, vows "centrism today, centrism tomorrow, centrism forever"
20 - Keith Olbermann takes over CBS anchor desk as retiring Dan Rather announces plans to buy Kinko franchise; CBS News chief Andrew Hayward says 60 Minutes internal investigation due out "any year now"
26 - Thomas hearings delayed as nominee chased from chamber by firehoses, ACLU German Shepherds
April
5 - New DNC chairman Howard Dean announces official party name change to "Progressive Berserkers"
15 - Massive layoffs feared at Minneapolis Star Tribune after hostile takeover by Powerline
18 - Saddam Hussein convicted of crimes against humanity; Kofi Annan offers space in UN "Scared Straight" deliquent dictator program
23 - Barry Bonds passes Ruth with 17th homer; torso explodes
May
2 - Barry Bonds caps amazing comeback by winning Kentucky Derby; pays $18.50-$12.20-$6.40
18 - Oliver Stone kicks off summer movie blockbuster season with release of "Alexander 2 - Electric Boogaloo"
22 - Martha Stewart appears on Today Show interview sporting teardrop tattoo, spurs homemaker fashion craze
June
4 - Champion Indiana Pacers hospitalize 350 spectators in NBA Finals
7 - Minivans break 9 second quarter mile barrier as rising summer gasoline prices prompt motorists to switch to nitromethane
21 - citing desire for "meaningful life," Paris Hilton takes vows as Benedictine nun, inks deal with Fox for new summer reality series "Nasty Habits"
July
2 - Violence mars opening of new Filene's Basement in Bagdhad as local insurgent women battle for closeout bargains
11 - National heatwave as temperatures soar into the 80s and 90s; global warming, angular earth rotation suspected
20 - Iraq descends into chaos as I-25 construction, HOV lanes snarl Basra morning commute; Rumsfeld blamed for lack of Morning Zoo Crew traffic copters
August
5 - Europe descends into chaos as Speedo factory strike threatens traditional 12-week vacation season
9 - Violence wracks Iraq as US Marines battle insurgent Reuters staffers in Fallujah
22 - Crawford, Texas scene of mass suicide, as dozens of reporters self-immolate to protest covering annual Bush vacation
September
10 - Ohio State dismisses entire football team, band in wake of bribery-necrophilia-anthrax scandal; plucky OSU subs Jim Tressel and Andy Geiger fall to Texas, 35-17
11 - HBO commemorates fourth anniversary of 9-11 with 'Sex and the City' marathon
24 - Michael Moore's 'Sicko' bombs at box office, as blue state audiences flock to rival docu-comedy 'Jihadi R Us' by hot new critical darling Osama bin Laden
October
4 - League leading Chicago Cubs eliminated from NL race after Wrigley Field consumed by mysterious moaning anthropomorphic mist; manager Dusty Baker dismisses "curse" talk
17 - Disappointing attendance at Oktoberfest after Germany's new Islamic coalition government announces death fatwah against beer drinkers
30 - Yankees defeat Mets in subway World Series, $186,000,000 to $112,000,000; nobody west of the Hudson River gives a shit
November
6 - Senator Hillary Clinton announces exploratory committee for 2008 Presidential bid, names new team of eunuchs to bear gilded sedan chair
19 - The undefeated #1 Iowa Hawkeyes vault into the national championship game with a 49-3 drubbing of Wisconsin; later, my 'shrooms wear off
28 - Chicago marks 500th homicide of the year, renewing calls for US withdrawl from Illinois quagmire
December
11 - Dow breaks 12,000 on 5.2% unemployment rate; women, children, minorities hit hardest
19 - NY Times reports secret US military torture camp at Guantanamo Bay for spyware and spam programmers; Bush approval rating rockets to 93%
31 - Iowahawk gets to work on morbid hangover |
